So you smile, you laugh, you eat, just like they do.
The way they walk, the way they dress, the way they talk. It takes time, but you hack it, heck, you get so good no one will have a clue whats going on inside. mimicking everyone around you, and finally you fit in, somewhere in life, maybe just somewhere, but no longer no where.
You could get use to this, use to people praising you on how good you look, how happy you seem. and it feels great! At least for a while, you know its fake, you don’t care, desperate for someones attention, anyone’s, just someones, and that’s great!
The little reminders put you in your place, not all the time, just every few days now, not so bad right? Another circle you find yourself in often, you know, the one that shuts you down, shuts you up in case you escape for a slight moment. The one that makes you shake, fingers, toes, hands, feet, its okay, at least it doesn’t take long, not long before your entire body finds itself rolled up in the corner of your room shivering on the cold floor. Its okay, i mean, it didn’t kill you, so whats there to worry about? you’ll be alright. They always tell you, you’ll be alright.
They. The people around you, the ones that hurt the most. The ones that pull you, push you, punch you. Not physically, oh no, never physically, so its not so bad, is it?
After all, punches leave marks, they leave bruises and sometimes scars and words, well, they just do nothing, don’t they? that one magic word and everything disappears. Sorry. They say it once, they say it twice, by the 10th time its no longer needed. you know they didn’t mean it, don’t you? Well you should do, they tell you every time. You believe them. Trust them. You know they don’t mean it, they tell you every time.
They shout, they swear, they call you every name they can think of. You caused this, you must have, otherwise they wouldn’t be like this. you deserve this.
Its okay, your okay, it didn’t kill you, so whats there to worry about?