Sadness usually requires you to loathe in self pity, often by crying or whimpering. You feel weak, vulnerable, sensitive and defensive. Sadness, everyone around you can see it, they only have to look at your slump face directed at the floor and within an instant, the whole world knows exactly how you’re feeling. Amazing really.
Some people take longer then others to realise, perhaps they’ve asked you, ‘Are you okay?’ to which you respond ‘yes’ or ‘no’, as a simple response of course, either way it doesn’t matter, take your pick, they only have to hear that mind numbing tone in your voice as soon as your chapped lips open. You know you’ve started the never ending cycle of speculations into whats going on in your life. everyone’s talking about it, yet you still scurry past people pretending not to hear all the whispers of colleagues, who by the way, clearly have a better insight into how your feeling more then anyone else possibly could.
So you smile, you laugh, you eat, just like they do.
The way they walk, the way they dress, the way they talk. It takes time, but you hack it, heck, you get so good no one will have a clue whats going on inside. mimicking everyone around you, and finally you fit in, somewhere in life, maybe just somewhere, but no longer no where.
Anxiety, what is it?
It’s that lingering lump in your throat that’s slowly suffocating you, in a pool of stress and nervousness you try to breathe, only to be squashed by the sounds of your raging heartbeat. It’s the blood dripping from your fingers as you peal back the skin around your nail, barely noticing the dried-up residue from yesterday’s episode. That’s what they call it. An episode, only this episode isn’t full of fun or comedy, not laughter or relaxation. This is something much more powerful, more manipulating, more controlling. Though you may be surprised to realize, it’s all you.
“no one’s controlling you”
“why don’t you just do it”
Heard those before? Simple, right? Why can’t we just get up and do what’s needs to be done? Why can’t we just walk down the street like everyone else?
A step outside the house is not always a walk in the park. A 5-minute walk to the shops can feel like a whole lifetime to people like us. People like us, stereotyped and categorized for our differences. Pushed to one side like a broken toy in a bin, just next to the piled-up spaghetti tins. That’s what we are, just little pieces of spaghetti, no strength to stand alone, no back bone to stand up for what we feel and why we feel it, because there are no explanations. There’s figures and suspected solutions. But no cure.
There’s counsellors and Support workers. You think they’re wasting their time trying to tell you what you think and how you need to be. Demand after Demand, question after question. You begin to accept the vicious circle that becomes your life, because after all why live if you have no life.